"I would have hurt you." Billy's voice is barely more than a raspy whisper. His eyes feel heavy and the lights hurt so he lets them fall closed, focusing solely on the two hands wrapped around his one and the security it brings, the comfort the metal of Eddie's rings offer, warming against his skin. "He would have made me hurt you. S'why...
"S'why I pushed you away. But you're here." His voice cracks on the last words and more tears spill over his cheeks and run into his hair.
It's getting more difficult by the moment to try and convince himself that Billy's just confused, doesn't know what he's saying. There's more going on here, he's almost sure of it, but now is not the time to try and figure it out. Just seeing Billy like this, physically broken and still trying to apologize, it breaks something deep inside him. Whatever happened, they can figure that out later.
"Of course I'm here," He says gently, one hand moving to wipe at the tears that slip down Billy's face. "And I'm fine, nobody hurt me, you would never hurt me." Eddie drags the chair as close as he can get to the bed, wishing he could hold the other right now. "Everything's okay now."
Billy squeezes Eddie's hands again and sighs, a soft sob escaping him as images of what he'd done flashes through his mind. Heather. Her parents. All those people he didn't know who he'd handed over like they didn't matter to become a giant, fleshy monster intent on killing a kid.
"I hurt Heather. I gave her to him." He chokes on a sob. "I hurt so many people. I didn't mean it. He made me do it."
"You..." Eddie trails off, trying to piece together something coherent from the scraps he's been given. He'd heard about Heather's disappearance, and it was true it happened around the same time that Billy had started giving him the could shoulder but-- how could Billy possibly have anything to do with that? Still, something uneasy stirs inside him, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
"I'm trying to understand," He says softly, keeping a hand cupped against Billy's face. "Are you sure you're not... talking about some fucked up dream, or something?" A dream would certainly be a lot easier to wrap his head around.
When Eddie asks if Billy's sure he's not dreaming, he finds himself getting inexplicitly stressed. He needs Eddie to understand. Forcing his eyes open through the haze of the drugs, Billy finds Eddie's and stares him down.
"He made me hurt them. I didn't mean to." He remembers the feeling of his control being stripped from him, when he'd felt himself smack Heather's dad over the head with a wine bottle. When he'd smashed through the window and lunged for Max, ceramic shard in hand. When he'd dragged the girl before the monster, ready to hand her over to the slaughter. He remembered it all, remembered how he'd felt like a bystander in his own body. Eddie needed to know. He needed to know that it wasn't his fault. "I didn't mean to."
"I know you didn't mean to, I know." Even as his mind is still racing to put pieces together, he feels overcome by the need to let Billy know-- know that he's trying, know that he's desperately connecting dots together. He knows that Billy is the poster child for being "rough around the edges", but would never really hurt someone, not without cause. Knowing that doesn't stop his heart from beating wildly in his chest, still trying to make sense of everything.
"Who... who is "he", Billy?" Eddie asks it as though it might provide all the answers he's looking for. Somehow, he doesn't think that will be the case, but he asks it anyway. "I just need you to talk to me, tell me what's going on."
"I didn't mean to." This time it's mostly said to himself and he nods, letting his eyes fall closed again. He's so tired but he needs to tell Eddie what happened. He knows it's not making a whole of sense, he can tell by the look on Eddie's face before he closes his eyes again but he doesn't really know how to explain it.
"I don't know. He was like a shadow." Shaking his head makes him dizzy and he takes a moment to catch his breath. "Max! Is Max okay?"
"Shh, Max is fine." That much he can say for certain, it's one of the few things he knows clearly. Max is part of the reason that he's here right now, between her and Henderson he had known to hurry to the hospital to find Billy. None of them had bothered to explain anything else, and he feels something flare down his spine a the thought. All of them seem to know something that he doesn't, and he hates it.
"And you're fine." Which isn't really true, at least, he can't say it for sure. With everything that Billy's hooked up to, he believes that Billy will be alright, but there's no real way of knowing. Eddie stands from the chair, leans over Billy so he can press kisses against his jaw, his cheeks, over his eyelids. Nothing he can do feels like enough, he feels like a buoy in an infinite ocean.
"Max is fine." He remembers her leaning over him as he apologised to her but he wasn't sure if she'd been hurt -more hurt than she was after he'd thrown her across a hallway- and he just needed to be sure. "And the other girl? Max's friends?"
God, he could have killed them all. He knows he'd tried to take out some of them and he knows the monster had tried to kill the rest.
"M'tired, Eds." He focuses on each of the soft touches of lips against his face and sighs softly, lips quirking slightly in a soft smile that doesn't last long and he squeezes Eddie's hand again. "Stay with me?"
"Yeah, her too. All of them." The way Billy seems to relax sends something running through him, cracks open the ball of anxiety that has been burying itself deep in his chest. Eddie still doesn't understand what's going on, doesn't realize that he's been left in the dark. But Billy is finally relaxing, and that's all he needs.
"Everything's fine now." Eddie finds himself lifting from his seat, hovering over Billy so he can kiss him, in a lost sort of way. He knows he's being kept on the outside of something, but if Billy's feeling any sort of relaxed, he's not going to question it.
"Course I'll stay with you." His hand flexes in Billy's grip, showing no intention of letting go. "If you need to rest, I'll be here when you wake up."
He nods, a slight tilt of his head and he lets the medication do it's job so he can relax into the mattress and rest his body. He knows it hurts under the weight of the drugs, knows there's a lot of damage done by the monster that tore him apart as he tried to hold it back.
He returns the kiss softly and sighs, feeling himself start to doze. "'M glad you're here."
"Wouldn't be anywhere else, you know that," Eddie steals one last kiss before sinking back down into his seat. There's a lot think about, so many questions that he doesn't have an answer to. Whatever is going on, they'll figure it out, but that's not his concern right now.
"You can sleep," He says softly, trying to encourage it. Whatever has happened, Billy clearly needs rest, the chance to recover. "I'll be here when you wake up."
Billy sighs softly at the kiss and holds onto the feeling as the meds start making him drowsy enough to fall asleep. He trusts that Eddie will stay with him, that he'll be here when Billy wakes up. Despite what Billy had done in order to keep Eddie safe from him, Eddie is still here and he knows they're good.
He has no idea how long he's asleep for but the room isn't as bright when he wakes up, dragging his eyes open and glancing around without moving his head in order to find Eddie.
Eddie keeps an eye on Billy as the meds and exhaustion take hold. He lets out a sigh of relief once he's asleep, stands to stretch his legs and pace about the room. He spends time looking at the machines that whirl and hum, as though he can somehow reason out what they all mean. Eventually, Eddie dims the lights in the room and settles back into the chair at Billy's bedside. With another sigh, he tucks his legs up and tries to get a bit of sleep himself.
It's restless and uneasy, but he manages to snatch a handful of hours. At the sound of Billy's voice he stirs, rubbing at his eyes as he blinks sleep from his eyes.
"Hey, baby," He says sleepily, reaching to brush his fingers through Billy's hair. "How're you feeling?"
Eddie’s still there when Billy wakes up, just like he said he would be and he sighs softly when he feels the soft hand in his hair, carefully pushing his head into the contact. He aches but he doesn’t hurt the same way he did when he woke up before. He knows it won’t be long until the pain comes raging back in but he’s grateful for the reprieve for now.
“I feel okay. For now.” He’s not looking forward to when the pain returns. “More drugs? Before it gets bad again.”
"Yeah, of course, um..." Eddie looks around, wants to avoid calling in a nurse if he doesn't have to. He stands, taking a moment to stretch away the knots that have formed in his back. Then he examines the line of morphine that had been run into Billy earlier. He finds what he's looking for nestled in the crevice of the hospital bed, a small grey device connected to the drip. He pushes the center button, hears a soft hiss and watches as medication drips down the line and ultimately, into Billy.
"That should do the trick," He says as he settles back into his chair, reaching to take hold of Billy's hand. "Do you need anything else? Hungry or anything?"
Billy feels the hit of the morphine immediately and it takes the edge off, allowing him to relax enough and turn his head towards his partner with a soft smile. Fuck, he’s so grateful that Eddie’s there, unsure if he could stand to be alone at the moment and not really wanting anyone else around.
“Something to drink? Please.” He sighs again. “My throat is fucked.”
"Of course," He's quick to get back on his feet, pleased to have something to do. With everything that's happened, with how bad a shape Billy's in, he's happy to be able to be useful in any way, however small. There's a cafeteria somewhere around here, but he doesn't want to leave the room, and thinks water is probably their best bet right now anyway. Eddie snatches a plastic cup from the counter, runs the sink until the water feels cold enough and fills it.
"Here we go." Eddie's back at Billy's side, slips a hand beneath his shoulders to ease him up just enough that he won't choke. Then he brings the cup to Billy's lips, tilts it just enough that he can drink.
Billy watches as Eddie flits around the room with the air of someone desperate and stressed. He wishes he could do something to ease it but he’s beyond fucked at this point. His body is wrecked; he doesn’t know how badly but he remembers enough to know that it’s bad.
Even sitting up this small amount is almost too much and he drinks quickly so he can lay back down and catch his breath. “Tell me the truth, Eds. How fucked am I?” His voice still sounds awful, throat completely fucked from all he did to himself while under his control. “How bad did he fuck me up?”
Eddie keeps him steady until he's finished, moves his hand so Billy can fall back against the bed. He sets the cup down on the bedside table, still feeling alight with nervous energy. The question somehow takes him by surprise, despite the fact that he should have expected it sooner or later. His gaze drifts over Billy, over the various machines he's hooked up to, all of which are presumably keeping him alive.
"It's... well, it's pretty bad, I think." He wishes he had more information, a better answer. Billy almost seems more machine than man at the moment, but ultimately, Eddie doesn't care. "You're alive, that's all that matters." He's smiling as he says it, reaches to cup Billy's cheek in his hand. Anything would be fine by him, as long as Billy was alive. "And you've still got your pretty face."
He hates this, putting it on Eddie like this to be the bearer of bad news but no one else has told him and there’s no one else here to ask. He doesn’t even know what Eddie’s been told about it all, about what actually happened. He vaguely remembers telling him some things but he’s not sure how much of it Eddie got. “I mean it, Eddie. How bad is it?
"Okay, okay," Eddie relents with a sigh. He takes a moment, tries to piece together what he's heard and seen and compile it into something coherent. Even if he had all the information, he's not sure he could deliver it. It makes something tremble inside him, to have to force himself into the reality of Billy's condition.
"There's, uh, well, the big things..." He trails off again, worries his lower lip between his teeth. Billy's alive, that's what matters, he reminds himself. The rest can sort itself out, one way or another. "They're doing something with your blood." Eddie nods his head towards the dialysis machine that still whirs away.
"And then there's whatever this is." Eddie pulls back the sheets to reveal the bandages wound around Billy's abdomen. It could be anything, he thinks, he has no idea just what is beneath them. All he knows is it can't be good, seems more than what's necessary if it were only surface wounds.
“With my blood?” Billy looks to the side and studies the machine for a moment. Whatever is coming out of him is thick and viscous and black. He’s fairly certain the chemicals didn’t do that to him so it must be residual monster something. And then he looks down at his chest and it seems so…
Clean. In comparison to what he remembers happening, it just looks so innocuous. There’s clearly more going on underneath the stark, white bandages. “I remember what happened. I remember how much it hurt.
There are still so many questions, things he wants to ask but pushes as far down as he can manage. Eddie tells himself that he'll be able to get those answers sometime soon, once Billy is no longer laid up in a hospital bed and relying on a morphine drip to get through the passing hours. But it burns up some part of him, the fact that he's been left out of the loop.
"I'm just glad you are alive," Though his voice trembles as he says it. The only thing worse than being left in the dark is Billy not being here. Given everything that's currently working to keep him alive, Eddie has a sinking feeling that it could have easily gone the other way. That thought alone is enough to have Eddie lifting out of his seat, leaning over so he can kiss Billy, slow and careful as he tries to suppress the desperation that simmers beneath.
"We'll figure out the rest. But you're alive, thank fuck. You're alive."
Billy feels his eyes start to burn with tears once more and he wishes he could lift his arms to wrap around Eddie and hold him close but he’s so strapped into everything and it hurts to even try and move any part of his body. He’s a mess and he feels hopeless but Eddie makes him grateful to be alive. The idea of leaving him behind hurts more than he even realised it would.
“I’m still here. I’m a fucking mess but I’m here.”
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"S'why I pushed you away. But you're here." His voice cracks on the last words and more tears spill over his cheeks and run into his hair.
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"Of course I'm here," He says gently, one hand moving to wipe at the tears that slip down Billy's face. "And I'm fine, nobody hurt me, you would never hurt me." Eddie drags the chair as close as he can get to the bed, wishing he could hold the other right now. "Everything's okay now."
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"I hurt Heather. I gave her to him." He chokes on a sob. "I hurt so many people. I didn't mean it. He made me do it."
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"I'm trying to understand," He says softly, keeping a hand cupped against Billy's face. "Are you sure you're not... talking about some fucked up dream, or something?" A dream would certainly be a lot easier to wrap his head around.
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"He made me hurt them. I didn't mean to." He remembers the feeling of his control being stripped from him, when he'd felt himself smack Heather's dad over the head with a wine bottle. When he'd smashed through the window and lunged for Max, ceramic shard in hand. When he'd dragged the girl before the monster, ready to hand her over to the slaughter. He remembered it all, remembered how he'd felt like a bystander in his own body. Eddie needed to know. He needed to know that it wasn't his fault. "I didn't mean to."
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"Who... who is "he", Billy?" Eddie asks it as though it might provide all the answers he's looking for. Somehow, he doesn't think that will be the case, but he asks it anyway. "I just need you to talk to me, tell me what's going on."
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"I don't know. He was like a shadow." Shaking his head makes him dizzy and he takes a moment to catch his breath. "Max! Is Max okay?"
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"And you're fine." Which isn't really true, at least, he can't say it for sure. With everything that Billy's hooked up to, he believes that Billy will be alright, but there's no real way of knowing. Eddie stands from the chair, leans over Billy so he can press kisses against his jaw, his cheeks, over his eyelids. Nothing he can do feels like enough, he feels like a buoy in an infinite ocean.
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God, he could have killed them all. He knows he'd tried to take out some of them and he knows the monster had tried to kill the rest.
"M'tired, Eds." He focuses on each of the soft touches of lips against his face and sighs softly, lips quirking slightly in a soft smile that doesn't last long and he squeezes Eddie's hand again. "Stay with me?"
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"Everything's fine now." Eddie finds himself lifting from his seat, hovering over Billy so he can kiss him, in a lost sort of way. He knows he's being kept on the outside of something, but if Billy's feeling any sort of relaxed, he's not going to question it.
"Course I'll stay with you." His hand flexes in Billy's grip, showing no intention of letting go. "If you need to rest, I'll be here when you wake up."
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He returns the kiss softly and sighs, feeling himself start to doze. "'M glad you're here."
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"You can sleep," He says softly, trying to encourage it. Whatever has happened, Billy clearly needs rest, the chance to recover. "I'll be here when you wake up."
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He has no idea how long he's asleep for but the room isn't as bright when he wakes up, dragging his eyes open and glancing around without moving his head in order to find Eddie.
"Eds?"
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It's restless and uneasy, but he manages to snatch a handful of hours. At the sound of Billy's voice he stirs, rubbing at his eyes as he blinks sleep from his eyes.
"Hey, baby," He says sleepily, reaching to brush his fingers through Billy's hair. "How're you feeling?"
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“I feel okay. For now.” He’s not looking forward to when the pain returns. “More drugs? Before it gets bad again.”
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"That should do the trick," He says as he settles back into his chair, reaching to take hold of Billy's hand. "Do you need anything else? Hungry or anything?"
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“Something to drink? Please.” He sighs again. “My throat is fucked.”
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"Here we go." Eddie's back at Billy's side, slips a hand beneath his shoulders to ease him up just enough that he won't choke. Then he brings the cup to Billy's lips, tilts it just enough that he can drink.
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Even sitting up this small amount is almost too much and he drinks quickly so he can lay back down and catch his breath. “Tell me the truth, Eds. How fucked am I?” His voice still sounds awful, throat completely fucked from all he did to himself while under his control. “How bad did he fuck me up?”
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"It's... well, it's pretty bad, I think." He wishes he had more information, a better answer. Billy almost seems more machine than man at the moment, but ultimately, Eddie doesn't care. "You're alive, that's all that matters." He's smiling as he says it, reaches to cup Billy's cheek in his hand. Anything would be fine by him, as long as Billy was alive. "And you've still got your pretty face."
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“How badly did it get me?”
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"There's, uh, well, the big things..." He trails off again, worries his lower lip between his teeth. Billy's alive, that's what matters, he reminds himself. The rest can sort itself out, one way or another. "They're doing something with your blood." Eddie nods his head towards the dialysis machine that still whirs away.
"And then there's whatever this is." Eddie pulls back the sheets to reveal the bandages wound around Billy's abdomen. It could be anything, he thinks, he has no idea just what is beneath them. All he knows is it can't be good, seems more than what's necessary if it were only surface wounds.
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Clean. In comparison to what he remembers happening, it just looks so innocuous. There’s clearly more going on underneath the stark, white bandages. “I remember what happened. I remember how much it hurt.
“I don’t even know how I’m still alive.”
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"I'm just glad you are alive," Though his voice trembles as he says it. The only thing worse than being left in the dark is Billy not being here. Given everything that's currently working to keep him alive, Eddie has a sinking feeling that it could have easily gone the other way. That thought alone is enough to have Eddie lifting out of his seat, leaning over so he can kiss Billy, slow and careful as he tries to suppress the desperation that simmers beneath.
"We'll figure out the rest. But you're alive, thank fuck. You're alive."
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“I’m still here. I’m a fucking mess but I’m here.”
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