Billy Hargrove (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tightjeans) wrote2020-06-10 11:59 am
tightjeans) wrote2020-06-10 11:59 am
Entry tags:
•first person post; billy gets in touch with his feelings•
So, this was Owens' idea and honestly, I'm not really sure how it's gonna go but whatever, let's give it a try.
My name is Billy Hargrove, I'm 21 years old and I am, personally, responsible for the deaths of an unknown number of Hawkins residents. People keep trying to tell me that it's not my fault, that I was under his control and that there was nothing I could do but the truth is, I could have fought harder. I should have fought harder. But I didn't. And now people are dead.
Heather and her whole family. Some old lady named Mrs. Driscoll that the Wheeler chick mentioned a few times. I'm assuming every other person that went missing on the Fourth of July that wasn't confirmed to be one of the Commies that opened the gate.
I almost killed Max and Elle. I almost killed all those kids.
And the worst thing is, when he was in my head making me do those things, it felt like I wanted to. There was some sick twisted part in my brain that enjoyed it, that wanted to torment them and have them fear me. It wasn't until he was gone that I realised how badly I wanted the complete opposite.
I've been wrong this whole time. I was so angry and so hurt and I wanted other people to hurt. I wanted them to be afraid, just like I was afraid. And how fucking gross is that? It's so fucked up. I hate that feeling, being weak and afraid and I've been doing that to other people. I'm not different to my old man.
But I want to be. I'm going to be. I won't turn into him. I'm better than that. I'm going to be better than that. I started by apologising to Max, for everything, and that little shitbird forgave me like it was nothing. Elle, shit, that girl sees me for something completely different. She sees me for who I was, who I could be and that's who I want to become.
I'm going to make amends. I'm going to fix this and be better. My old man, that monster, I won't let them win. I'm done being what other people keep trying to make me.
My name is Billy Hargrove, I'm 21 years old and I am finally going to be the man I want to be.
Well, shit. I guess this did help.
My name is Billy Hargrove, I'm 21 years old and I am, personally, responsible for the deaths of an unknown number of Hawkins residents. People keep trying to tell me that it's not my fault, that I was under his control and that there was nothing I could do but the truth is, I could have fought harder. I should have fought harder. But I didn't. And now people are dead.
Heather and her whole family. Some old lady named Mrs. Driscoll that the Wheeler chick mentioned a few times. I'm assuming every other person that went missing on the Fourth of July that wasn't confirmed to be one of the Commies that opened the gate.
I almost killed Max and Elle. I almost killed all those kids.
And the worst thing is, when he was in my head making me do those things, it felt like I wanted to. There was some sick twisted part in my brain that enjoyed it, that wanted to torment them and have them fear me. It wasn't until he was gone that I realised how badly I wanted the complete opposite.
I've been wrong this whole time. I was so angry and so hurt and I wanted other people to hurt. I wanted them to be afraid, just like I was afraid. And how fucking gross is that? It's so fucked up. I hate that feeling, being weak and afraid and I've been doing that to other people. I'm not different to my old man.
But I want to be. I'm going to be. I won't turn into him. I'm better than that. I'm going to be better than that. I started by apologising to Max, for everything, and that little shitbird forgave me like it was nothing. Elle, shit, that girl sees me for something completely different. She sees me for who I was, who I could be and that's who I want to become.
I'm going to make amends. I'm going to fix this and be better. My old man, that monster, I won't let them win. I'm done being what other people keep trying to make me.
My name is Billy Hargrove, I'm 21 years old and I am finally going to be the man I want to be.
Well, shit. I guess this did help.